[读你爱的东西，照顾你的心；对了，掌握英语，睁开第三只眼。]

[1]".我鼓励苏珊把她的感情都说出来，耐心地帮助吉姆理解妻子的负面情绪。这是他们感情愈合过程中最困难的部分。”

I encouraged Susan to share her feelings and helped Jim patiently to understand her negative feelings . this was the hardest part of their healing

[2]“第二步是承担责任。Jim要为自己没有得到妻子应有的支持负责，Susan要为自己没有设定上限负责。”

the second step was taking responsibility . Jim needed to take responsibility for not supporting his wife，while Susan needed to take responsibility

[3]实践.

苏珊这样练习。“我不喜欢你说话的方式。请停止大喊大叫。否则我会离开房间。”苏珊真的离开了几次房间，她就不必再这样做了。

Susan practiced saying ' I don ' t like the way you are talking . please stop yelling or 1 will leave the room . 'after leaving the room

[本节指南]

一个朋友告诉我的。“对结婚几年后的夫妇来说，不要再谈论爱情了。有时候我觉得在这个年龄谈论爱情是个笑话。”是啊，对那些老妇人来说，《金星人与火星人》的“爱”和“感情”都理解为“夫妻关系”是很好的。但是我希望年轻人不要向父母学习。他们很少能成为我们理解爱情、了解感情的偶像。

我没有资格提出任何建议。每个人的婚姻和爱情都是你的，应该自己去。幸福和不幸也是你自己的，是你自己认识到的，是你自己创造的。你才是你自己的老师。

我听到的唯一好故事是有人答应和家人一起用这本书学英语。(约翰f肯尼迪，教育)后来他告诉我，一起学习英语的好习惯成为他婚姻中的转折点。他们已经很久没有吵架了，他们开始越来越地理上理解对方话中的密码。

这一节继前一篇之后，又接着前一篇讲述了夫妻如何在爱情中互相责备。本章中有很多关于如何避免家庭争斗的秘方。值得收藏和学习。

[刘博士翻译]

金兴人和火星人11:治愈我们爱情的方法

设定界限，尊重

但是对女性来说，最重要的一点是认识到，只有将自己的奉献控制在一定限度内，才不会对配偶产生怨恨。女性要做的是通过控制自己的奉献来保持平衡。不是她的配偶期望她付出的那么多。

让我举一个例子。39岁的吉姆和他41岁的妻子Sunsan来接受婚姻心理咨询。苏珊想要离婚。她抱怨说，12年来，她付出的比丈夫多。她现在再也受不了了。她指责丈夫吉姆整天无精打采、自私自利、控制欲强、不浪漫。她说现在没什么可支付的了。她正准备离开这所房子。吉姆说服她接受婚姻诊疗，但她对效果非常怀疑。在六个月的诊疗期间，他们可以通过以下三个阶段治愈他们的感情关系。今天他们仍然幸福地生活在一起，还有三个孩子。

第一阶段:动力

我向吉姆解释说，他妻子经历了12年的积怨。如果他想挽救这段婚姻，他的妻子必须进行大量的倾听，以便修复他们的婚姻。(约翰f肯尼迪，女性)在他们双方共同参与的第一次第六节诊疗中，苏珊把她的感情都发泄出来，鼓励吉姆耐心帮助妻子理解负面情绪。这是他们感情愈合过程中最困难的部分。当Jim开始真正理解她的痛苦和未能实现的愿望时，Jim也变得更有动力，他相信自己能做到。

而要使Susan有动力去改善他们的婚姻关系，她必须要感到Jim在倾听她的诉说，并认可她的感受：这是第一步。只有当Susan感到Jim理解她以后，他们才能继续进行下一步。

步骤2：承担责任

第二步就是承担责任。Jim需要对自己没有给妻子应得的支持而承担责任，而Susan需要对自己没有设定付出限度而承担责任。Jim为自己伤害了Susan而主动道歉。而Susan也意识到，虽说丈夫在不尊重自己方面（如大吵大闹、发牢骚、拒绝她的要求和不认可她的感受）超越了她的忍耐界限，而自己也有错，那就是没有设定自己的忍耐界限。虽然Susan并不需要为此道歉，但她需要承认，自己对他们的婚姻问题也负有一定的责任。

当Susan逐渐懂得，自己因为没能设定界限，并因为自己习惯性地过多付出，所以对他们婚姻问题的产生也负有责任时，她也就能够更容易原谅Jim。能够为自己的婚姻问题承担责任，这对Susan释放自己的怨恨是至关重要的。通过承担责任，夫妻双方就都有了动力，他们开始学习通过尊重对方的忍耐限度的方式来支持对方。

第三步：实践

Jim尤其需要学会如何尊重妻子的界限，而Susan需要学习如何设定界限。他们都需要学会如何以一种尊重对方的方式来表达自己的真实感受。他们双方同意，在这第三步中，他们会练习设定界限和尊重界限，同时也要明白，他们时不时还是会犯错误。允许犯错误的认识让他们在练习的过程中有了安全感。以下就是他们所学到的和练习的一些例子：

Susan会练习说：“我不喜欢你说话的方式。请停止大喊大叫，要不然我就会离开房间。”当Susan真的离开房间几次以后，她就再也不需要这样做了。有时候，当Jim提出一些Susan讨厌去做的要求时，Susan会练习说：“不行，我现在需要休息一下”，或者是：“不行，我今天太忙了”。结果Susan发现Jim对她更上心了，因为他明白了Susan有多忙或是多累。

Susan告诉Jim她想去度个假。当Jim说自己太忙了没有空的时候，Susan说，那她会自己一个人去。突然间，Jim改变了自己的日程，也想去了。当他们在交谈时，如果Jim打断她的话，Susan会练习说：“我还没说完呢，请听我先把话说完。”突然间，Jim开始聆听得更多，插嘴更少了。Susan觉得最难以做的事情是练习要求自己想要的东西。Susan对我说：“我已经为他做了这么多，为什么我还要请求他为我做事呢？”我解释说，想让丈夫完全了解妻子的需求不仅不现实，而且也是造成婚姻问题的很大一部分原因。妻子必须要自己对实现自己的需要负责任。

而对于吉姆来说，最大的挑战是学会尊重妻子的变化，而且不能期望妻子还是像他刚结婚时那样总顺着他。Jim也认识到了，Susan的最大挑战是设定限制，而自己的最大挑战是适应妻子设定的界限。但是他知道，随着他们的不断练习，他们也就会变得愈加自然的。

当男性知道了伴侣的忍耐界限时，他就有动力付出更多。当男性尊重女性这一界限时，他就会主动对自己行为方式的后果进行反思，并开始做出改变。当女性认识到，为了满足自己的需求，她就必须设定界限时，她也就会自然地开始原谅她的伴侣，并开始考虑用其他方式来要求和获得伴侣的支持。当女性为自己设定了界限时，她就逐渐学会了放松下来和接受更多的支持。

【英文原文】

SETTING AND RESPECTING LIMITS

Most important, however, a woman needs to recognize her boundaries of what she can give without resenting her partner. Instead of expecting her partner to even the score, she needs to keep it even by regulating how much she gives.

Let's look at an example. Jim was thirty-nine and his wife, Susan, was forty-one when they came for counseling. Susan wanted a divorce. She complained that she had been giving more than he had for twelve years and could not take it anymore. She blamed Jim for being lethargic, selfish, controlling, and unromantic. She said she had nothing left to give and was ready to leave. He convinced her to come to therapy, but she was doubtful. In a six-month period they were able to move through the three steps for healing a relationship. Today they are happily married with three children'.

Step 1: Motivation

I explained to Jim that his wife was experiencing twelve years of accumulated resentment. If he wanted to save this marriage, he would have to do a lot of listening for her to be motivated to work on their marriage. For the first six sessions together, I encouraged Susan to share her feelings and helped Jim patiently to understand her negative feelings. This was the hardest part of their healing process. As he began to really hear her pain and unfulfilled needs, he became increasingly motivated and confident that he could make the changes necessary to have a loving relationship.

Before Susan could be motivated to work on their relationship, she needed to be heard and feel that Jim validated her feelings: this was the first step. After Susan felt understood, they were able to proceed to the next step.

Step 2: Responsibility

The second step was taking responsibility. Jim needed to take responsibility for not supporting his wife, while Susan needed to take responsibility for not setting boundaries. Jim apologized for the ways he had hurt her. Susan realized that just as he had stepped over her boundaries by treating her in disrespectful ways (such as yelling, grumbling, resisting requests, and invalidating feelings), she had not set her boundaries. Although she did not need to apologize, she did acknowledge some responsibility for their problems.

As she gradually accepted that her inability to set limits and her tendency to give more had contributed to their problems, she was able to be more forgiving. Taking responsibility for her problem was essential to releasing her resentment. In this way they both were motivated to learn new ways of supporting each other through respecting limits.

Step 3: Practice

Jim particularly needed to learn how to respect her boundaries, while Susan needed to learn how to set them. Both of them needed to learn how to express honest feelings in a respectful way. They agreed in this third step to practice setting and respecting limits, knowing that at times they would make mistakes. Being able to make mistakes gave them a safety net while they both practiced. These are some examples of what they learned and practiced:

* Susan practiced saying "I don't like the way you are talking. Please stop yelling or 1 will leave the room." After leaving the room a few times, she didn't need to do it anymore. When Jim would make requests that she would later resent doing, she practiced saying "No, 1 need to relax" or "No, I'm too busy today." She discovered that he was more attentive to her because he understood how busy or tired she was. * Susan told Jim that she wanted to go on a vacation, and when he said he was too busy she said that she would go alone. Suddenly he shifted his schedule and wanted to go. * When they talked and Jim interrupted, she practiced saying "I'm not finished, please hear me out." Suddenly he started listening more and interrupting less. 0 Susan's most difficult task was to practice asking for what she wanted. She said to me, "Why should I have to ask, after all 1 have done for him?" I explained that making him responsible for knowing her wants was not only unrealistic but a big part of her problem. She needed to be responsible for getting her needs fulfilled. * Jim's most difficult challenge was to be respectful of her changes and not expect her to be the same accommodating partner he originally married. He recognized that it was as difficult for her to set limits as it was for him to adjust to them. He understood that they would become graceful as they had more practice.

As a man experiences limits, he is motivated to give more. Through respecting limits, he automatically is motivated to question the effectiveness of his behavior patterns and to start making changes. When a woman realizes that in order to receive she needs to sets limits, then automatically she begins to forgive her partner and explore new ways of asking for and receiving support. When a woman set limits, she gradually learns to relax and receive more.